2022.01.12

hi sorry i was sick for a while.

but im making a comic now. its about these stick figure guys and they have to compete in a competition. but i kinda have to introduce them first. so im making these like one page vignettes/skits to let me understand who they are as people.

this might be the hardest creative work i have ever done. right now im stuck on the last two, lebi and xeper. they are both the kinds of characters that i feel like i can only write when surrounded by other people....... and now i have to write them by themselves. my goal for the end of the day is just to do that. Then tomorrow, i can actually start the meat of the comic, and i think then things will fly much smoother. i really hope some rivalrys will emerge naturally..... that is what i am most excited about right now, as the characters are all very friendly with eachother now. I am also excited about creating some sort of crafting system, but maybe i wont, maybe ill save that for my object show.

i wonder what the first contest will be...

2022.12.22

i think i need to take all this shit more seriously. if i fail to do enough shit within the day i should stay up until i get it all done. maybe thats the only way to make me actually do what i want to do.

life is so painful. i just want to make art every day. i dont think i can do that without courage and determination.

2022.12.04

hi diary. can you believe its been four days? but i dont feel too bad about it. i think i need to be more willing to forgive myself, and that im always gonna make mistakes if im so hard on myself. that kind of pressure is really insustainable. i do think its possible, and it has happened before, that i am able to have a "dream day", wherein a large amount of homework gets done, and i am able to do things important to me aswell. but FCing that 5/7 days a week is totally impossible i have realized.

i think my hopes being too high is a part of this. it always feels nice to hope, to have a really nice, hopeful shower. but i respond so, so poorly to pressure, and any plan that i cook up in my computer always puts so much pressure on me that i end up exploding. when i fail at the first half of the day i always entirely give up on the second half aswell.

i do still think i should have a planner. ive tried no planner it doesnt work it makes me feel dirty. but i think that fact alone exhemplifys what a planner should truly be for. to keep my teeth, my skin, and my hair clean. to give myself a clear mind with which to think. to make sure my tabs and my room are clear and tiderly. to make sure i dont have any unfinished business with which i need to attend to (homework).

essentially, i think the three most important things i should focus on are making sure i dont eat too much sugar, dont eat too much in general, and dont masturbate too much. those 3 things are pretty much 100% of the time the cause of why my days go bad. course, the reason why i turn to those things is mostly because of all the pressure i put upon myself, its all a big nasty spiral, etc, so i kinda have to put the "efficient at homework" part on hold too. i wont entirely tho obviously (its finals week).

i hope i can have a nice day tomorrow even tho its the maths final. if i can have a nice day tomorrow even tho its the maths final and i dont feel very confident on alot of my abilitys then i will truly be happy with myself. but even if i dont have a nice day tommorrow, as long as i dont find myself knee-deep in one of those crooked pools of tar, unable to lift myself into the light, then i believe my soul will be at peace.

i watched the brain dump video "dream drama fully explained" just before all this came to me. to see that guy be so honest with his feelings about being a failure, about how unhappy he is chasing what he wants, eg going about it the completely wrong way, and blaming himself for the wrong reasons...... it really spoke to me. ive never seen someone feel the same way i do about being an artist. about feeling like theres some magnum opus that your supposed to be working towards your whole life, that youre absolutely failing to cultivate. and how you feel like everything you make is so vapid and says nothing.......... i still havent fully proccessed my feelings on it. but it changed my perspective so much. after such a failtastic day its really what i needed.

i hope i can talk about this more tomorrow. i still cant quite think very clearly, so im sorry if this all seems a bit jumbled.

2022.11.30

i feel like my whole world is falling apart but for some reason im not giving up. im going to have some cookies now.

2022.11.29

good morning website. i need you more than ever today.

i am searching for purpose in my meaningless, empty life. i dont believe my life was meaningless until recently, and i dont remember there being a single point when things changed from meaningful to meaningless. But, as of today, i estimate my life is around 97% meaningless.

id like to outline a plan to make my life more meaningful. however.......... if i were to write that plan, i mean it with no hyperbole when i say that i am 99% sure that i would not follow through with such a plan. the "First Day" has, and will, transpire thusly:

1. i wake up and spend too much time on tumblr, reddit, and talking to my girlfriend in the morning. All in all, it takes about 1.5 hours to even get myself out of bed.

2. my shower is short. the shower is such a blessed thing. the shower is the only time in the day i have away from my phone, away from my homework, away from conversation, away from tumblr and reddit..... away from all that which may stop me from thinking. As such i am forced to look at my own reflection, and made to think. i think mostly of small matters, "what homework should i do today", "what would be cool to do with my girlfriend", but these thoughts are so important to me. these are thoughts i made up myself. sometimes i dont even think i cant do that....... i hope you understand now how badly i need this. the shower allows me to create a roadmap thru which to pursue my day. it allows me to hope, and dream. i do fail even with these nice showers, but i would say a long shower boosts my drive any day by around 80%. i do apologize for all the percentages.

3. i read wikipedia andor watch educational youtube...... as a child, when you hear most discussions of procrastination, as in when the idea is first implanted into your brain, you mostly hear of people binge watching tv shows, or perhaps of reorganizing an already clean room, wastes of time. As such, it is often difficult of me to convince myself that studying the tale of Tan Sanzang, or learning infinite products for pi, actually constitutes procrastination. This actually is the biggest timesink of my day, with me usually stopping at around 1600, plus or minus 130.

4. i do about two hours of homework. i have played keyboard some today too, sometime around 1300, but it didnt amount to much, as i was watching youtube while i was playing. Also, even though i do about two hours worth of homework, this phase does last longer than that, cuz yknow im panicked about the whole schedule crumbling down thing.

5. i hang out with my girlfriend. this is a good thing. it allows me to destress, and i wouldnt finish the schedule today anyway. but this part gets delayed waaaayyyyy too long with all the procrastination and such, and ends up with me staying up till midnight. now its not possible for tommorrow to be a productive day.

6. i spend the next day as a break to create a new schedule. this usually ends up happening a day after tho.

do you see now the futility of my actions, why its so hard for me to have hope in my ability to change my own life?

i must go to college now. but ill come back to try and find a solution to this.

2022.11.28

i made a web site.